Everything started when I was 12 years old and was raised up as an assistant. Yes, I was very young, and the pastor had doubts about raising me up because of my age, but he ended up doing it anyways since I showed a certain level of maturity. I remained as an assistant until the age of 14, but when I went back to school, I hardly put on my uniform anymore. My communion with God was practically inexistent, but I thought that I was fine. I even started dating an assistant at the time.

For years, I lived in deceit. I helped out at Church, but my heart was no longer on the altar. I began to listen to the voice of my heart. I had thoughts such as: “Why do you want to be an assistant if you don’t even put on your uniform? You barely go to Church. It’s better to just be a saved member, than to be an assistant and go to hell…”

I thought my relationship with God solely depended on the things that pertained to the physical Church, what a big mistake.

I decided to quit everything, went back to the world, ended my relationship with the assistant I was dating at the time and handed in my uniform. The pastor tried to talk me out of making that mistake: “Assistant, think about this, don’t let the devil deceive you” – he said. But I was set on wanting to give back my uniform. Actually, I was giving up my salvation.

Involuntarily and without realizing, it wasn’t long before I fell away from the Church. I didn’t even remain a member. The desire to know the world was bigger than anything else, my heart was deceived by the devil’s voice. I started sleeping around with men, drinking, smoking cigarettes, but it was not enough, I needed more. So I started sleeping with women. This was when I began drinking more; I drank to the point where I stumbled around in the streets, not remembering the way home, smoking until I ran out of air, using all kinds of drugs: marijuana, cocaine, inhalants, ecstasy, I almost had an overdose. I slept with whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted; I turned into a man. I slept with more than 80 women. I made some fall away from other churches, and even slept with an ex-assistant.

There was a great void in me; I would ask God for forgiveness every night before going to bed, asking Him to forgive everything I had done. Except, I did not know where to begin changing my life because I was already 18 years old and saw no chances for change. Then came the depression, fear and grief. I began to reap the rewards of what I had planted, but I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. I had to suffer a bit more to come back. One night, I was feeling restless, my heart was racing, my mouth was dry and my hands were cold. I thought my blood pressure had dropped, so I asked my mother to take me to the doctor. When we got there, to my surprise, he said: “There is nothing wrong with you. You’re in perfect health. You need to go see a psychiatrist, because it’s as if your brain is telling your body that it’s sick, but there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s all in your mind.”

At that moment, I knew that I needed God. My soul was sick because it was far from His presence. The next day, Wednesday, I was determined to run back into my Father’s arms, but as soon as I woke up I was overcome with a very strong desire to kill myself and put an end to it all. I knelt down in front of the toilet and said, “GOD, IF YOU TRULY EXIST, HELP ME START OVER”. At that moment, strength came over me and I went to the Universal Church with my ex-girlfriend and another friend. The following Sunday, I was baptized and broke up with her. I never wanted to go back to that lifestyle.

Today, I am filled of the Holy Spirit and free from the addictions, emptiness, sadness and homosexual tendencies. I have inner peace and true joy. I’m in college, I have been an assistant for 1 year, I am dating an assistant my Church and together, we help other youths that have a similar past as ours.

Overall, my life has been truly transformed from the inside out. The Holy Spirit has made me a new, happy and fulfilled woman.

Nadia

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