I suffered some trauma in my childhood when my father’s friend raped me at the age of 9. I grew up feeling depressed and harboring hatred towards everyone, especially men, always expecting one of them to hurt me again.
Despite this fear and though I was always skeptical, I insisted on making friends to ease my complexes and forget about my pain. This is when, around the age of 16, I was introduced to marijuana. At first I said no because I was afraid of the harm it could bring me, but once I realized my life had already been a wreck for many years and that a “blunt” wouldn’t make a difference, I dove in headfirst. Soon after, I no longer felt satisfied and decided to try cocaine.
Bishop, this is what always happens. The more a person has, the more they want. The more things they try, the more thrills they seek.
Next came crack, which was the worst time in my life. It enslaved me in such a way that I was getting high all day, every day. I completely gave in to the addiction and, in a way, felt “happy” to be momentarily disconnected from my traumas. New friends came along with the alcohol, and among these new friends a desire for women was awakened in me. I thought: “Men are a waste of time, but women are my fantasy!”
I decided to get involved with one here, and another one there; all along, my femininity gradually gave way to a more masculine side. I changed the way I dressed, spoke and, little by little, convinced myself that I was a man.
Finally, I felt “better” and it was amazing how women were attracted to me. My family was shocked with my change and thought I was going crazy. They put me in a psychiatric hospital two times, but nothing seemed to work. Then they tried sending me to a halfway house, but, again, it didn’t help at all.
During one of my adventures, I met a woman and fell head over heels for her. I moved out of my parent’s home and went to live with her. This relationship lasted about 15 years, until I found out she was cheating on me. I was overcome with despair, and the trauma that was dormant soon resurfaced.
Bishop, it’s no use, it’s just like you have taught us: it’s not worth fighting against the cause when you haven’t overcome the causer! This brought me a lot of pain again. My world collapsed and I thought my life was coming to an end. Despite my disappointment, I decided to get revenge by paying her back with the same coin. I got involved with a guy and, to top it all off, I decided to get pregnant by him. I was so blind that I felt more disgusted by this relationship than I did in my relationship with her. This was my first experience with a man.
Devastated with the whole situation, I decided to seek help when someone invited me to visit the Universal Church. I didn’t think twice. I remember during the first meeting I attended, a play was being presented and it caught my attention. It basically chronicled my life and showed how I could be truly happy. I asked the pastor for help and he was ready and willing to help me. I quickly decided to change and immediately ended my gay friendships, and returned home to my family. I changed the way I dressed, the way I behaved, my friendships, and faithfully attended every deliverance meeting. I overcame my traumas, addictions, and today I am proud to admit that I am a young woman, assistant, married to a wonderful man who makes me happy every day.
Lindinalva – Rio de Janeiro