I hated you

You know, it’s very difficult to describe the person that judged and hated you. But I’m going to try, so here we go…
Cristiane, I hated the sound of your voice, your simplicity, your meekness; in other words, I hated everything about you.
I hated when you wrote about helping others, learning how to change, how to deal with abuse, violence or offensive words – I just hated you. I tried to like you, but I wasn’t able to!
One time, I called you a hypocrite here on your blog and, instead of stooping down to my level, you were friendly and, unlike me, you were very kind… I offended you with words, I even swore at you, but you discretely wrote underneath my comment:

“My dear, I know that you need help, I’m here and I’m going to pray for you.”
That’s when I really got mad and wrote: “Whatever. Don’t pray for me, you’ll just be wasting your time.” And, immediately, I unsubscribed to your emails and unfollowed you on social media. The worst part is that I thought I was right. I wouldn’t listen to anyone’s advice or accept any help because my pride wouldn’t allow it.
One day, a pastor’s wife invited me to attend a woman’s meeting and, to my frustration, there you were. I said to myself, “It just had to be her!” However, this time, I paid attention to your words and cried the entire time.
I confess that today, if I could, I would hug you! I don’t know you personally, but I hated you day after day.
The words you said to me that day made me regret being so rude… It was so vulgar of me to swear at you…
I’m not even worthy of being here and having your attention. I feel ashamed to tell you everything I thought about you and how judgmental I was towards you.
“I will pray for you, because that is what you need.”
I stopped, read it and cried.
I said to myself: My God, how can she treat me with such compassion?
What kind of person am I?
Why am I acting like I have no values?
What can I do to be a better person?
Today, I can reveal who I was:
I was abused at the age of 12 and grew up feeling great anger towards everyone and everything. I became addicted to alcohol, drank day and night to drown my sorrows in glass at the bar.
That’s who I was, but I’m not that person anymore. I am participating in the Godllywood Self-help and the Rahab Project’s Inner Healing course.
Thank you!
Francys Medeiros

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