A great change began taking place in me when I noticed your kind gesture towards Mrs. Ester. I’ve always noticed it, but on this particular day, the way you acknowledged her touched me deeply. It was a simple gesture, but it was enough to make me reflect on my relationship with my mother. Your example stirred up my faith and helped me get rid of a past trauma that I didn’t even know I had…
After meditating on it for a while, I came to the conclusion that there were unresolved issues between us. I was always a good daughter, though I was a bit angry with her in my teens. I didn’t disrespect her, but I ignored her, as if she weren’t important to me at all. She became aware of what I was doing and was sad, because my father, who was often getting into trouble, had all of my love and she did not.
Once, she took me by the arm and shook me, asking why I treated her like that, but I didn’t know what to say. Years passed and I continued not having an answer to her question. I always wondered why I ignored her, but couldn’t find an answer. Time passed, I got married and moved to another state, but I realized that though I was in the presence of God and served Him, there was still a gap between me and her. This is when I saw how you treated your mother during a meeting and the Holy Spirit spoke to me. It’s funny that it wasn’t the Word, but a gesture that awakened my faith. At that very moment I realized that I didn’t treat my mother like that and it really began to bother me. I left the meeting, and from that day on, I began to seek God for the answer to that question she asked me long ago, “Why do you treat me like this?”
My incessant and sincere search acieved results because God revealed the answer to me. He brought me back way back to my childhood, which had been a very painful time for me. And He showed me that I ignored my mother because I blamed her. Once I understood the problem, I asked God what I should do to reverse it, and He said I should confess everything to her and my family. This hurt me a lot, because there was a secret I kept inside. I didn’t have a problem talking about it, even my husband already knew, but I never wanted to tell my parents. For me, it was a forbidden subject to mention around them. However, I decided to sacrifice my will and told them.
I brought my parents and my sister together, and laid everything out on the table. I confessed suffering sexual abuse all throughout my childhood, right under their noses and they never knew about anything. They were so preoccupied with their own problems, that they didn’t realize I was the one that needed the most help. So I grew angry, especially with my mother, because one of the attackers was from her side of the family. I projected the anger I felt for my aggressor onto her, and that’s why I ignored her, as if it was her fault.
My parents were surprised and did not expect to hear everything I had said. They cried and apologized, but they didn’t have to do any of that because, just the fact of telling them what happened was a way for me to ask for forgiveness, forgive and be set free from that secret. Then, to my surprise, my mother told me she had also suffered sexual abuse when she was a child. I remained thinking about how this plague is a recurring thing in families and how children suffer in silence to try to save their parents from more suffering, as in my case. I never told them because I didn’t want to bring them more suffering and problems, since they already had so many.
It is interesting that the findings that delivered me “coincided” with the offering of August, the virtuous spirit, where we were to ask for help and reveal what we had been hiding…
You know, all of this has helped me a lot, and I don’t know if I should say this, but I thank God for the evil I endured. I am very grateful to Him, because that suffering made me find Him a few years later, and from that day on, He NEVER let anyone else touch me.
But the root of my problem lasted for a long time, until I found it. I saw the branches of the trauma in my marriage, because sometimes I treated my husband like I treated my mother in the past, giving him the silent treatment. Everything changed after I removed this root, but I believe that many women, even though they’re in Church, also suffer from this type of trauma and don’t even know it.
This e-mail is a way to thank you for being an example to us (what awakened my faith was your example as a loving daughter) and also to ask you to help these women and children who suffered trauma caused by the evils of pedophilia.
I could talk about many other things I have learned from this experience, but I know your time is short, so I’m not going to extend myself. However, I want you to know that you can count on me for anything you may need, because my biggest dream, especially now after seeing all that God has done and is doing for me, is to help those who need.
May God bless you even more!